I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
