My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
