4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Randomize
