Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
