Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
