Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
even my farts smell like vagina
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
