Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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