i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
