im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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