You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
