Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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