I faked an abortion last night.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
