So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
