My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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