you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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