By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
