There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
