I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
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