I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
