i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
