my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
