I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
