I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
