Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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