My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
