I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
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