They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
