Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
