Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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