He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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