As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
