So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
