In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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