i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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