I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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