the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
He passed out mid-signature
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
