my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
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