dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
