am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Randomize
