He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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