I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
