I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
This baby is an asshole
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
