I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
