apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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