How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Randomize
