i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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