Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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