i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
