you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Randomize
