You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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