Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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