his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
There's always time for handjobs
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
